


So Dean starts the car

by tisapear



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, M/M, Post-Episode: s05e22 Swan Song, Pre-Slash, Suicidal Intentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:20:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24053536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tisapear/pseuds/tisapear
Summary: The ugliness of the people left behind.(Aftermaths are never pretty.)
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 24





	So Dean starts the car

The passenger seat's empty and cold even with Cas' still lingering presence tainting the air reserved for another. Sat there only two seconds ago, all tight-laced angel-stiffness and tried talking to Dean, talking him out of it, even threw Bobby's name into the mix, _should I call him for you_ , and that, at least, got Dean to snap out of it. Made him snarl in anger, _don't you dare_ , furious and suddenly confronted with an easy target to lash out at, misdirected as it might have been. (No one to be angry at but himself 'cause at the end of the day he's the one that failed.)

Probably would have gone through with it, too, if Cas hadn't already zapped away, leaving whispers of _we're here for you, Dean, you just have to let us in_ in his wake, and Cas may just as well have said 'you're not alone' and it wouldn't have meant shit because he is, he _is_ , only person that ever mattered up and left him, but this time for good. (Thought his soul got ripped to shreds when Sammy left for Stanford, lay dead in his arms, chose a demon over him, but that was nothing compared to the force pressing down on him now.)

So Dean's two bottles of Jack into the night, parked at the edge of a cliff because if he's going out, then he's going out with style, Baby and all. ('s not like there's anyone left he could give her to, anyone he'd trust her with, 'cause Sammy is, Sammy _is—_ ) 

Bottle number three opens too easily under his shaky-slippery fingers. Takes one big gulp that lasts for minutes until he's almost out of breath. Back of his throat and stomach warm and pleasant while his skin feels like it's pinprick-cold. Dead cells falling off. 

Off. 

Just like, _just like._

He beats the steering wheel in white-hot anger, once, twice, desperation clawing at his insides. Fist tight around the bottle's neck as he takes another swig and another and another and has his eyes pressed closed until they hurt. 

Phantoms whispers, memories undone. Wishes they were nightmares but wishes don't come true, not for men like him. 

_Promise me you'll go to them._

Like Dean will ever be able to replace Sam.

Like he hasn't tried before.

Like he hasn't _failed_ before.

Stupid little brother, always so full of naïve optimism. _Look on the bright side!_

—'cept there isn't one. Not anymore. Sammy, he's dead. (Worse. A fate worse than death. One he wouldn't wish on anyone. One he'd wish on everyone, s'long s'it keeps his brother safe. 

_Big brother, big brother_ , and him and Sam might've had their differences but kid still ~~thinks—still.~~ thought he was some kind of hero. _A good man_ , like Dean wouldn't burn down the entire world for just one more hour with Sam. One minute, one second, one whimsical moment of god's choosing. In a heartbeat, damn the collateral damage. Damn them, damn them all, 'cause—) 

Sammy, he's dead, so he doesn't know that there's no bright side. (Sam. Sam's the bright side. Always has been. World plunged into darkness and Dean doesn't think he can ever bear to see the sun again.) 

So.

So Dean starts the car with the bottle still tightly clutched in his hand and pretends the dew running down his fingers, down his chin, down his still beating heart (how come it's still beating, when Sam's isn't?) are from the bottle of good ol' hunter's helper and not the despair clinging to his lashes.

So Dean starts the car and almost gets into a dozen accidents ('cause what's the point in fighting for survival, when welcoming death suddenly seems so easy?)

So Dean starts the car and knocks on Lisa's door 'cause he's a good older brother and made a promise he's got to keep (why so intent on sticking to this one, when you left a trail of broken ones in your wake?) and hopes that one day, he just won't wake up at all 'cause he up and choked on the empty hole of nothing intent on keeping his body alive. 

(Sorry, Lisa, he knows disposing of bodies is no fun.)

**Author's Note:**

> Lies enough to himself and he might actually believe him still being alive, that's the doing of Sam's ghost. Little brother looking out for him when there's nothing left to look out _for._
> 
>  _Take care of your brother, Dean._  
>    
> Yeah.
> 
> Hell of a job he did there.


End file.
